Chapter 17: I didn’t want To See AnyMore

Lydia.

This wasn’t exactly what Jeremy called fun. I had insisted that we start on homework as soon as we got in the house. I wanted to get it out of the way so we could enjoy the rest of the day without worrying about it later.

We sat with papers and books strewn across the kitchen table, along with our laptops for school open beside each other.

Jeremy sighed heavily.

“Once we finish, we can do something else,” I said to him. “Besides, they told me I had to finish my homework first because I was up too late last night trying to finish it.”

“And you actually listen to them?”

He still didn’t get it. They were doing a big thing by letting me date Jeremy, so I really didn’t want to give them a reason to doubt the relationship. “Can we not do this? I try not having them hate me, yes, okay?”

He turned away. “Homework is optional. It’s only there if there’s something you really want to do…which is never.”

“Look, they told me this morning that if I hung out with you, I had to get my homework done first, otherwise, I had to come home. Look, I make it a policy to be on my parents’ good side, strange as it sounds, okay?”

“I still think it’s weird that you care so much about their approval,” Jeremy shook his head.

He picked up a pencil and tried to look at it. “If x = y, then x has a value of…”  He stopped.

“No, I just can’t do this.”

Jeremy slammed the pencil down and got up from the kitchen table. He pushed open the kitchen door, and it swung closed.  I heard the TV turn on.

My homework stared at me, looking like it was mocking me, becoming even harder to do because Jeremy gave up. I was doing all this for him. So I could still see him and my parents wouldn’t kill me for doing so. Why couldn’t he see it? Why did he have to make it so hard?

I sighed and started on my homework. I did this for him. I did this for him.

When I did homework with Chris, it was so helpful to have him there. We kept each other on target and usually finished homework pretty quickly because we encouraged each other to stay focused on the work –

But I was with Jeremy now. I didn’t need to think about Chris anymore. Things were different. I just have to deal with it.  So I buckled down and worked on my homework. 

I heard what sounded like a knock, but I ignored it. At first, I thought the knock I heard was from the TV, but then I was not so sure. I heard voices that didn’t sound like they were coming from the TV.  What if there actually was someone at the door? And if so, who was here?

No, it was nothing. But if it was nothing, then there was no harm in taking a look.

I walked up to the kitchen door and opened it a crack. Jeremy was whispering to the same girl he sat with at lunch. No, no, no. He looked like he was really into her. Why? Why did she have to come now?

They talked in hushed tones, and I saw the girl put her hand on his arm.  And they’re just friends?

Then Jeremy leaned in closer and whispered something to her.  Stop panicking, Lydia.  If he said that they were friends, then that was what they were. 

Then she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

I quickly closed the door. Why would she do that?

I sat down and stared at my homework, and then back at the door. So they were more than friends. They were going behind my back. Why was I even here? Why was I with someone who liked another girl?

I should just go home. I started packing up my homework.

Jeremy suddenly pushed open the kitchen door and sat down.

“Hey, I changed my mind. Let’s finish this.”‘

I rubbed my eyes. I didn’t realize how close I came to crying. Now was the time. Now was the time to tell him it’s over.

I didn’t move from my seat. Lydia, come on! He doesn’t even want you.

“You wanted to do homework, so we’ll do homework, now okay?” he said and tried to smile.

He picked up his pencil and started to write.

I just stared at the homework, willing myself to care about it, about Jeremy, about this whole mess. How could I just let myself do this?  No, I can’t.  Not anymore.  I was done.

“I-I have to go,” I finally stammered.

“What? Why?  I’m here now, ready to do homework. You got what you wanted,” He said, motioning for me to sit back down.

I slowly started putting papers back in my backpack.  “It’s not about that,” I said quietly.

He put his pencil down and looked at me.  “Then what is it?  Come on, stay with me.  I want you to stay with me.”

I finished putting the papers back in my backpack.  I slowly closed my books and put them in the backpack.  The only thing left was my laptop. 

He stood up.  “What is it, Lydia?  Please don’t go.”

Just friends?  Do you let a friend kiss you on the cheek?  Well, do you?  “The girl came to the door.  The one you sat with yesterday.  She was here.”

He threw up his hands.  “Again?  You are being way too obsessive, Lydia.  I told you before, Becca’s just a friend.  And not only that, you were spying on me?  I can’t believe you.”

I slowly flipped down the laptop lid and put it on top of my stuff.  I looked back up at Jeremy standing in front of me.  His face softened.  “Lydia, come on.  Stop being so unreasonable and sit down with me. Please stay.”

She kissed you.  Just say it.  She kissed you on the cheek.  What friend does that?

He slowly put hands on my arms.  “I promise you, nothing is going on.  She’s nothing more than a friend.” 

Then why did you let her kiss you?  Why can’t I just say it?  Lydia, stop stalling and tell him you saw what she did!  But all I could do was slowly shake my head.

“No?  Lydia, please.  You are freaking out over nothing.  Absolutely nothing.”

I kept shaking my head and started to back away.  But Jeremy held firm. 

“I need to go,” I finally said.  I barely had everything in my arms. It was starting to slip.

“So, let’s do our homework together.”  He held on stronger. Why couldn’t he just let go? He saw I wanted to leave.

“Let go of me.” I finally said and tried to wrestle free. My arm couldn’t hold my stuff anymore and it all fell to the floor, the laptop making a particularly loud bang. He let go and backed away.

“I saw her kiss you!” I said.  “She kissed you on the cheek.  I saw it!”

I stared at the papers, books, and laptop all across the floor. Part of me wanted to forget all of it, run away and never look back. Maybe I should have.

He looked at the stuff on the ground, trying to collect his thoughts.  “What did you see after you saw her kiss me?” 

“I closed the door,” I said bitterly.  “I didn’t want to see any more.”

Slowly I bent down and started putting everything in my arms again. I was afraid the laptop was broken, but all it did was make a loud noise when it fell. 

“I pushed her away, Lydia.  Look, she was going through a rough time and I said some encouraging words to her.  She kissed me out of the blue, but I pushed her away and told it was wrong since I had a girlfriend.  She apologized and left.  That’s the truth.”

He watched me as I gathered up my stuff for a few seconds, and then bent down and started putting things back in my arms. He gathered them up and gave them all to me.

He did help me pick up all my stuff. He didn’t have to do that.

“Lydia, if you want to leave, fine.  But you have to believe me when I tell you that she’s just a friend.  I love you, not her.  I didn’t know she would do that.  I promise.”

He looked at me for a few seconds. Things were different with him. I need to realize this. He did care about me. He did love me.

“Can…can we please work on our homework now?  And stay working on it until we’re done?” I said to him.  It felt like an out of body experience like I didn’t know those words were coming from my mouth.

He nodded.  “Yeah, I’ll get us some sodas.”  He went to the refrigerator and got two bottles out. 

He sat down and looked up at me.  I was still standing with everything in my arms.  “You ready?”

No, I should leave.  I should just run out of here and never look back.  A few seconds ago, Jeremy had just grabbed me and all my things fell to the floor.  I shouldn’t just ignore that. 

But I slowly sat back down.  “If I say I want to leave, please don’t grab me like that again,” I said to him.

He put up his hands.  “I won’t, I promise,”

He promised not to do it again.  Okay, I can live with that.  No, I shouldn’t.  I should go now. 

I spread out my papers and tried to find the problem I was working on before this whole thing started. 

He put his hand on mine.  I looked up at him and he smiled at me.  “I love you,” he said.

“I…I love you too,” I said to him.  I bit my lip to keep my emotions inside.  I was with someone who wanted me.  I chose this.  And I choose to live with it.