Chapter 5: You Still Hold a Grudge!

Lydia.

The following Monday, I opened my locker and grabbed all the books I needed for homework tonight. Hey, wait, what did the teacher say about-

“Hi!”

I jumped. There was Jeremy right beside me.

“What are you doing here?” I tried to look past him. Where was Chris?

“I’m just checking in with you.  You left pretty quickly after we finished talking.  I’m just making sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” 

“How are you and Chris doing?  Is everything good?”

I put up my hands and scoffed.  “Why do you even care?  Are you going to report back to Amanda that we’re on the rocks?  And everything’s fine with Chris, by the way.”

“Yeah, I wanted to apologize about that.  I broke it off with Amanda.  Well, actually, I never really officially went out with her, it was always back and forth with us.  But I told her the day of the dance I wanted to go by myself, and – “

“And I don’t care,” I said, and slammed the locker and started to turn away.

“Lydia, I didn’t want you to think I was still going out with her because I’m not.”

And this affects my life how?  “Still don’t care.”

“Lydia,” he said as if that was the dumbest thing I ever said. “I wasn’t trying to talk with you to get back at her.  I promise.”

Where was Chris?  He followed me out of class and went straight to his locker.  Had he been there the whole time?

Jeremy continued: “Lydia, I think we got off on the wrong foot the other night at the dance. This time, I’m trying to do right.  No pressure.  I just want talk with you and ask you how you’re doing.  That’s it.”

“I don’t know, Jeremy,” I said, and walked around him – and nearly ran into Chris.

“Sorry!” He blurted. “Ready to go?”

How long was he there standing behind Jeremy? Just doing nothing? 

“Yeah, let’s go.” We turned and walked down the hall. 

***

Lydia.

Every day for the rest of the week, after class, Jeremy would come and try to get me to talk to him. Then, it wouldn’t just be at the end of the school day anymore. He met us before school started, and then, during lunch time in the cafeteria. The rest of the month was like this.  He would use his “concerned citizen” speech and ask me how I was doing. 

At the same time, Chris didn’t try to stand up to him. I thought he would try to speak up at least once.  I didn’t ask him about it, but maybe I should.  It was starting to bug me.

As it got later and later in the school year, what was so clear to me Homecoming Night seemed to get farther and farther away and less clear with every passing day. Chris and I talked a lot, yeah, but they seemed shallow, like two girls who always discussed clothes or two guys who always discussed sports.  Can’t we, just once, discuss our relationship?

Has Chris ever told you how beautiful you are?

But Chris cared about me, I knew that much.  Even if he didn’t say those things that Jeremy said to me.

I tried to keep telling myself, Jeremy has secret motives.  It’s only because he wants to get back at Amanda.  But it started to get harder as Jeremy wouldn’t give up.  He would come every day, without fail.  He flashed his eyes at me and smiled as if he actually did care.  Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.  But I didn’t know if I could figure him out.  What would be so bad to have someone care about me…if he did care about me?

It was late October when he came to me again at my locker after the last bell rang, and asked how my day went.  I gave my typical response, “Fine, thanks.”  I smiled at him in spite of myself. 

“Lydia,” Jeremy started. I turned around to him and glared at him. But he kept going, “Can I drive you home?  That way you don’t have to take the bus.”

I opened my mouth to say no. But wait, I could test him here.  See if he’s actually nice or just interested in going out with me. “The school is only a mile from our house.  We usually walk home…okay, thanks; Chris and I could use a ride home.”

Chris actually put his hands up and his mouth dropped open.  That was more response from him in a long time.  

Jeremy said, “Sure.”

I knew he would pull that – wait, he actually said yes?

“I would be happy to take both of you home if that’s all right with you and Chris.”  He turned to Chris.  I hoped Chris would respond.  Chris tried to open his mouth but nothing came out.  He slowly shook his head.  

“Then no,” I said reluctantly. “Let’s go, Chris.”

He smiled at me. “Sure.”

Just ignore Jeremy breathing down my back with an air of disappointment.  We turned the corner and walked toward the lobby of the school.  We went through the doors and down the stairs.  A blast of cold air hit us and brown leaves swirled around us as we trudged down the stairs.  When we were finally outside, I was ready to speak up.

“Chris, Jeremy was trying to do a nice thing for us.”

Chris’ mouth dropped open.   “Come on, Lydia, you don’t believe he actually meant to drive us straight home.  If we got in his car, there’s no telling what he might do to us.”

What, like, Jeremy is something of a serial killer or something?  He’s Chris’s cousin, for crying out loud!  “He wasn’t going to do anything to us.  He was trying to be kind to us.  That’s a good thing.  Jeremy may be all right after all.”

Chris looked at me like I was absolutely insane. “This is Jeremy we’re talking about here, Lydia. This guy made my life miserable for years. You don’t remember all the times when he came over and insulted me, or said he was better at everything that I was doing? Lydia, you know the only reason he was pretending to be interested in you was to make Amanda jealous!”

Okay, fine, he was right to be mad, but I think he was blowing the thing way out of proportion. “Look, I used to think all that too, but now I’m not so sure.”

Chris looked at me like I was crazy. “Lydia, don’t convince yourself he’s actually interested in you.”

Now, wait a minute.  Is it that impossible for Jeremy to be interested in me, in Chris’s mind?  That’s a little harsh.  “Gosh, Chris, it’s like you think I actually would date him. Don’t worry about that. No matter what he says or does, he’s not going to convince me. There’s just too much past with me.”

He seemed to calm down with that comment. But then he got wrapped up again. “But come on, Lydia. You don’t actually think Jeremy is all right.”

What was his problem? Couldn’t he be happy that Jeremy wasn’t as bad as we thought he was?

“Look,” I turned to him forcefully, “I know you get up every morning to practice basketball for an hour before school. Even though you said you were over it. You still hold a grudge! Maybe…just maybe…it’s time to forgive him.”

The instant I said it, I wished I could take it back. But it was too late, he had heard it.

He turned and looked straight in my eyes. “He never apologized, for anything. But especially, he never apologized…for that. And you know this.”

Oh, yeah. Jeremy never did.

Chris looked at me like he was going to say something, but then he turned and walked down the sidewalk in a very forceful way, a way that I knew that meant to mean anger and hurt. I knew all this, and I just glossed over what Jeremy did. What was I thinking?

I ran down the sidewalk after him. “Chris!” He didn’t stop. “Chris, I’m sorry. I was so stupid. I was wrong. Please stop and listen to me!”