Lydia.
As I walked down the hall, I was struck by Chris freaking out. What was he so worried about? Come on, Jeremy was never going to convince me. True, he almost kissed me and I freaked out, but this time, I was ready. I knew he was not the guy for me. I was not going to give in. I will resist.
The thought of seeing Chris again loomed largely. You know it was going to be there, like ominous shadows that told you that it was coming. What did I do wrong with Chris? Wasn’t I smart enough for him? What didn’t he like about me that made him never fall in love with me? Was I not pretty enough?
At the same time, the ominous shadow of Jeremy hung over me, just as large. I didn’t want to think about him. I really shouldn’t. He was no good for me and I knew it. But he thought I was beautiful. Amazing. Worth loving. I caught myself imagining myself in his arms again. I knew it was all lies. I tried to push it out of my mind but it was no use.
Still, Chris’ actions today concerned me. He looked so uncomfortable that my concern finally overrode my silence against him. Chris may not ever find me attractive in that way, but there was definitely something wrong. What was Jeremy going to do? I’d better emotionally prepare myself.
There was the entrance to the gym. The door was open. A corner of a poster was hung up on one side of the bleachers. What in the world…
I walked in and this huge poster was hung up between the two bleachers on the sides of the gym. It said in huge letters:
LYDIA YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
I LOVE YOU
This was going to be a whole lot harder than I thought.
Below the poster, Jeremy was slowly walking toward me. He was holding a huge bouquet of red roses. “I wanted to make up for the last time. These are for you.” He held them out to me.
It took me everything I had to put my hand up in protest. “This is really nice, Jeremy, but I…I can’t accept this.”
But he kept walking toward me, entrancing me. “You know I’ve noticed you, Lydia. You’re different. You’re amazing. You’re the girl who every guy wants his girl to be. And I am who you want your dream guy to be. I’m someone who loves you. Someone who cares for you. Someone who sticks up for you.”
He was close enough now that the sweet smell of the roses engulfed my nose, overwhelming my senses.
“I’m sorry,” I said slowly and carefully. “But Chris has always been there for me. You never were.” Even as I said it, the words felt dead.
“Are you sure about it? Tell me a time where he stuck up for you. I’m listening.”
He waited as I thought about the last several months when Jeremy started pursuing me.
What about during the homecoming dance? He didn’t tell Jeremy off at all. What about all those times he bothered me by my locker? He just stood aside. What about that time he recited the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet? By his own admission, it was to beat Jeremy. Not because he was sticking up for me. Jeremy came and gave me a present for Christmas. Said nothing again… I couldn’t think of a single one.
He nodded when he saw my face. “Can’t think of a single time, can you? I realize he really doesn’t care about you when Amanda tried to intimidate you that day in November. He just stood there. He didn’t do anything.”
“No,” I admitted. “He didn’t.”
“Lydia,” he said as he took the final steps toward me. “I can be your hero. I can be the dream guy you’ve always wanted to have. Let me make you happy. I know Chris can’t.”
“But…”
“Lydia,” he said as he looked straight into my eyes. “I love you. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I want to go out with you on a date tonight and keep telling you that over and over. When was the last time Chris told you that you were beautiful?”
By now the only thing between us were the roses in his hands.
All that was in my mind was all the times Chris had let me down. All the times that he showed me he didn’t care about me; didn’t love me. It was twisting a knot in my stomach.
“I don’t know.” I looked down at the roses in front me.
“Lydia,” he said. I looked back up at him. “I’ll tell you you’re beautiful every day of your life. I’ll tell you I love you every day of your life if you’ll have me. Will you have me?”
He held out the roses to me.
He loved me. He really loved me – No, this was wrong. All this was meant for someone else-
I don’t care anymore. If he wanted to pretend to me, let him pretend. I’ll let this be mine. All this was mine. I was not going to let anyone else take it. If he said he loves me, I choose to believe it. I was through second-guessing him; I was through trying to convince myself that all of this was a lie. And even if it was, I don’t care. I don’t want him to say that to anyone else. Jeremy was mine. Jeremy was the one now. Chris had his chance, and he blew it.
“Yes,” I finally said. I took the roses in my arms. They were so beautiful.
He leaned over to kiss me. Our lips were just about to meet…wait, no, this wasn’t going to work!
I pulled away and shook my head. “My parents would never say yes. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
I started to turn away. The roses fell from my hands. I started to run away, away from this incredible chance—
“Lydia, I called your dad,” he blurted. I stopped. He picked up the flowers and started toward me again. “He said yes.”
That couldn’t be true. All the doubts start about Jeremy started filling my head again. Why wouldn’t he just say that so I wouldn’t leave? “No…”
“If you don’t believe me, call him.”
I eyed him suspiciously. “I have to know for sure.”
He didn’t even flinch. “Sure.”
I pulled out my phone from my pocket and called my dad’s work phone number.
“John Jamison, Diversified Realty. How can I help you?”
“Hi, Daddy? It’s Lydia. Did you give Jeremy permission to…to be my boyfriend?”
“Lydia, I was expecting your call. He called at lunchtime, and then I had a long conversation with your mother. We have mixed feelings, but…we gave you permission to go out and date someone, so if you are going out with him, we will have to respect that decision. But, Lydia, I have to ask: This is Jeremy we’re talking about here. Do you really think he cares about you?”
I smiled and looked at him.
“Yes, I do.”
I could hear him sigh over the phone. “We will be discussing this when I get home today. Make sure you finish your homework before he arrives tonight, okay?”
I couldn’t believe it. It was true. This was really happening. I was going out with Jeremy.
“Lydia, are you there?”
“Oh, yes. Yes, I will.”
“All right, then. See you tonight.”
“See you tonight…”
Click.
I was stunned. I turned back to Jeremy. My boyfriend. It actually happened; I decided to go out with him. It was so surreal. He gave me the roses again and as I smiled, he reached down to kiss me.
But something still didn’t feel right. It was too much too soon. Part of me hated making him wait more.
“Jeremy.”
He stopped and looked at me.
“We haven’t even had our first date yet.”
He bit his lip as he was going to say something, but then he smiled and said, “Okay, can I, at least, drive you home?”
“Well, it’s only about a mile from the school. I usually just walk home. But yeah, if you want to,” I nodded.
“Here, let me take your backpack.” I gave it to him and he slung it across his shoulders. He grabbed one of my hands and put it in mine, interlocking our fingers.
We started walking toward the door. I realized everyone would see us. Everybody would see that Jeremy was mine and I was his. I claimed what Jeremy said about me, sure. But did I have to show it to the world?
As we walked out of the door, I casually turned— Chris was right there, right outside the gym doors.
Our eyes met. An eternity of friendship passed between us in the fraction of a second. His eyes, his hurt eyes bored into me and they couldn’t stay out of my mind. In that brief moment, I wanted to apologize and make everything right with Chris.
Then it passed. Jeremy pulled me along and my eyes turned forward. He pulled me close to him and I put my head on top of his shoulder.
Chris didn’t care about me anyway, I told myself. Jeremy did.
As we came down the hall, I saw Jeremy’s main flirt Amanda and her friend look up at us. They just stared at us as we walked through the double doors and outside. Don’t panic, Lydia. Jeremy is with you now, not Amanda. That was made very clear.
He might be a pathetic loser, but he’s my pathetic loser.
I shuddered and then tried to put her words out of my mind. It was Jeremy and me now.
We walked across the parking lot and Jeremy unlocked the car with his remote. He put the backpack in the back seat and we sat down in the front seat of his SUV. Was this really true, me sitting his car? I wanted it to feel like was nothing else in this life, only him and me. But Chris and Amanda were staring right at me. Not Jeremy, me. Why did they have to stare at me?
He put one hand on the steering wheel. The other hand he reached down and pulled over my hand, interlocking our fingers.
As he started the car, one hand on the wheel and the other holding mine, he listened as I told which turns to make to get to my house. I finally had someone, right where I wanted him: someone who wanted me. If I just focus on that, I’ll be fine.
He stopped by the curb of my house. Jeremy looked at me, and then at our hands intertwined, then at me again. I smiled.
“You’re everything I ever wanted in a girl. Lydia, you’re so beautiful.” Wow. Part of me wanted to kiss him right then and there. But I bit my lip and got out. I grabbed my backpack from the back and slung it over my shoulder.
I leaned in through the open passenger door.
“Thank you so much for the roses,” I said to him.
He smiled back. “You’re welcome. I love you.”
He loves me. Me.
“I…love you too,” I managed to say to him. “See you tonight.”
I closed the door and started walking toward my house. I watched as he drove away. He was…more than amazing. He was more than incredible. He was Jeremy. And he loved me. He did. I’m going to keep repeating that to myself until it’s true.
I finally stopped watching the empty street. I knew what faced me inside, so I had to stop stalling. I turned around and walked to the door of my house.
Mom came over to me when I came in. Her mouth fell open for a second. “Lydia, I just got the shock of my life. Your dad called at lunchtime and he said...are those roses?”
“Yeah,” I said and forced myself to smile. “Isn’t he…the sweetest guy?”
“He gave you those? Wait, did he drive you home?”
“Yeah, even though we only live a mile away, he did that for me.” I needed to find a reason to get away from her before she asked too many questions. “I need to do my homework now so I can finish before my date tonight.”
“…right, sure.”
My mom looked like she was going to blow a fuse.
It was so hard to focus on my homework. My mind kept going back to Jeremy. I was finally with someone who was supposed to make me happy. He said he would. I just had to believe it.
***
Lydia.
Finally, I finished my homework. I decided to write Jeremy’s name on a blank piece of paper. One name led to another and another, and Jeremy had filled up about half a page. I stopped.
I had never done this with Chris. I guess this must mean I was officially over Chris. There was my box of the photos of me and Chris together. I opened my closet door and picked it up out of the back. All those pictures had to be thrown away, to clear my mind of worries. The walls were bare, but I hoped they would be filled with new, better memories with Jeremy.
I walked down the stairs with the box in my hands.
“Would you open the door for me please?” I asked as I walked toward the door.
Mom walked up and her mouth fell open again. I guess I should have put the top on the box. “What are you doing? This is your whole life you’re throwing away. You can’t just get rid of these.”
“Mom, I’ve made up my mind. Now, please open the door.”
She sighed. “Okay, but I think you’re making a big mistake.”
She opened the door and I walked out the door to the trashcan.
Chris.
Staring dully out the window for the past hour, I suddenly saw Lydia at the edge of the driveway. I nearly didn’t see her, as the sun had just gone down. She was walking toward the trashcan. There was a box full of stuff. I could see that the box held pictures. They were probably pictures of us.
She struggled to open the top of the trash can while holding the box in her other hand, but she did get it open and dropped it in. It felt like a knife had been plunged into my chest.
Lydia.
Crack! I cringed for a second and instinctively turned to Chris’s house. I couldn’t see through the windows, but what if he was looking? I pushed it out my mind.
I started walking back to my door. My dad drove up and parked as I was walking up the steps. I was nearly at the door when my dad called out, “Hi Lydia, what are you doing out here?”
“I…uh…was just throwing away some stuff.”
He closed the car door and started toward the porch. “Some of this stuff had Chris on it, didn’t it?”
I felt a sudden pang of guilt, but I pushed it away.
“Um, yeah.”
“Did you finish your homework?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Good, then we need to talk. Let’s go inside.”
While part of me suspected that this talk would happen, it didn’t stop me from feeling nervous. Relax, Lydia.
We walked inside and sat down on the couch. “Look, when Jeremy called, I nearly said no. Then I called your mother and we had a rather intense discussion, and we realized we had given you permission to date, but we thought we had given you permission to date Chris. I realized that in your teenage mind, you would wonder why would we give permission to date one guy and not the other? But I need to be honest: Jeremy concerns me in a way that Chris does not.”
I gulped.
“We ultimately decided that if you said yes to dating Jeremy, we would honor your decision, but with reservations. Now, of course, I started to regret this because I remember how you used to talk about that guy…are you all right, Lydia?” He stopped and looked at me funny.
“Um, I’m fine. Go on.” Was I sweating? It was the middle of winter. I shouldn’t be sweating.
“So even though he was really nice, I can’t really trust him. Not yet.”
He sighed. “Lydia, I know I said yes, you can date him, and I’m not going back on my word. But I’m asking you to keep your distance tonight. Love takes time. Don’t believe him if he tells you he loves you because you two are just starting out. If he tries to hold your hand, don’t let him do it. And for goodness sake, please don’t let him kiss you.”
What? Come on, that’s what people on dates do when they say goodbye. Even with my uneasiness about Jeremy, part of me was feeling rebellious about that statement.
“Look, Dad, it’s a date. We’re going out. I mean, do you really think that we’re not going to do that?”
He sighed. “Yes, I get your point. I’m not telling you that you can’t do that. I’m just asking you. I don’t want you to fall too far too fast, Lydia. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Trust me, Dad, everything’s going fine.”
“I know, but Jeremy…”
And there it was. If I let my dad down, it would be terrible because he’d trusted me.
“Well, I need to talk with him before you two go.”
He was going to grill Jeremy with everything he had, and Jeremy would be gone. I jumped up and yelled, “You don’t have to do that! He –”
“—already agreed to let me talk with him. Calm down. I’m just looking out for you.”
I forced myself to sit down and keep an even voice. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“He didn’t fight it. He was very reasonable. So, relax.”
“Okay,” I promised.
My mom walked in. “It’s, uh, almost 6 PM.” She was still not happy about my dating Jeremy.
“Uh…thank you for saying yes.” I looked at both of them.
Dad spoke up. “You’re welcome.”
Silence for a second. Mom went up the stairs and started asking Mark if he’d finished his homework.
“That is what happened right?” My dad suddenly asked. “He asked you and you said yes?”
“Well, he came into the gym and he was holding flowers and there was this huge poster that said, “Lydia you are beautiful, I love you.” Isn’t that the sweetest thing ever?”
He pursed his lips. Oh, great. I just let my dad know that Jeremy already told me he loved me.
“I…uh…anyway, he gave me these beautiful roses and told me how beautiful I was and he liked me and wanted me and all that. And he asked me out. He was so…well, how could I not say yes?”‘
He does seem to be a pretty sweet guy,” He said. “It sounds too good to be true.”
“More than that…he’s too great to be true.” Even as I said it, I felt like an idiot.
My dad’s mouth dropped open. He looked at me like I was crazy.
“Except he’s real. He’s real,” I assured him.
The doorbell rang. I jumped up. “He’s here!”
I started walking toward the door.
“Lydia, I’m going to answer the door. When I finish talking with him, then I’ll let you go.”
I nodded as he went toward the door. I tried to smile at my mom, but she glared at me.
My dad answered the door. “Hi, Jeremy. You remember we were going to talk first?”
I could hear Jeremy’s voice from the door. “Um, sure…sir.”
“Let’s sit on the front steps.” Then the door closed behind them.
My mom still kept staring at me for several seconds in the silence that followed.
I couldn’t stand the silence. I had to say something. “Dad is amazing, right? He and Jeremy are having a man-to-man talk outside. He really cares about me and wants to make sure I’m all right.”
“Sure,” Mom said, totally unconvinced. Another round of silence passed between us.
“Look, he’s fine, really,” I said.
“I still don’t trust him,” Mom said to me.
She was right not to trust him. Shut up.
“But you can trust me, right?” I asked weakly.
She looked at me like she was about to say something but then looked away. She turned back to me. “Yes, but I want you to promise me you’ll be careful, okay? And another thing: I don’t think I believe that you actually want to go on a date with him. What’s this really about—”
The door opened and Dad said, “You can come out now, Lydia.”
I walked out, and Jeremy had another bouquet flowers for me! He did look awesome tonight. I wish all my doubts would melt away. But, yeah, he didn’t have to do that. Another set of flowers on the same day. Would another girl say that?
“You are amazing…..ly good at your flower selection.” I suddenly blurted the last part, realizing my dad was still watching me.
“Thanks,” he smiled.
“Did you guys have a good talk?”
“Oh yes, of course.” My dad said. He smiled.
“This is a school night, so I need her home by 9 PM.”
“Of course, sir,” He said to my dad.
“Well…you two have a fun time.”
“Yeah, go have fun,” Mom said and forced a smile. She took the flowers from me.
I knew it was hard for them to let me go. But I can take care of myself.
“Thanks,” I said to them. I smiled at my mom to show her I appreciated that she said that. We walked down the steps toward the car.
We walked to the car and he opened the door for me. I got in and he walked over to the other side. He got in the car and started it, slowly leaving the curb and drove down the street under the speed limit.
When we finally turned the corner, he sped up and put his hand in mine.
“Boy, I’m glad that’s over.”
So my dad did grill Jeremy. But there’s nothing to worry about. After all, he still let me go on the date.
He smiled at me. “You’re so pretty.”
I smiled again. “Thank you.”
Then for a second, I didn’t know what to talk about. We sat there in the car going down the road and I felt clueless. Come on, this is stupid. Oh, I know: “So…where are we going to dinner?”
“Oh, that. This place that I went with…it’s a nice pizza place.”
So Jeremy probably took other girls there. I wish it didn’t bug me, but it did. I tried as best I could to push it out of my mind.
“Thank you for asking me out.”
“Oh, you’re welcome.” He briefly took his eyes off the road to look in my eyes.
It’s okay. We were just starting out. We’ll find things to talk about.
We made it to the pizza place. It wasn’t that far away from my house, but it seemed longer because we didn’t have anything to say to each other. We turned into the parking lot and parked.
We stopped and got out. Jeremy put his hand in mine. It was good to have his warm hand in mine in the cold. He knew exactly how to act.
He opened the door to the restaurant and we walked in. The waitress at the front asked us, “How many?”
“Two.”
She took a small booth made for two people. We sat down. We interlocked our fingers across the table. It was perfect.
The waitress gave us menus. “Your server will be here shortly.”
We just kept looking back from our hands to each other. What was I doing? All we were doing was staring at each other. No, this is a perfect moment, why ruin it?
But as I looked at Jeremy trying harder and harder to force a smile on his face, I realized that maybe it wasn’t the perfect moment that I thought it was. We weren’t saying anything to each other. What type of date is that?
I knew he played basketball. And…and…he had a crazy ex-girlfriend named Amanda. What else? Did I know anything else about him?
This is so stupid. Come on.
The server finally walked up to us. “Hi, my name is Rachel. I’ll be serving you two tonight. What would you like to order for drinks?”
We turned to see the server. He motioned for me to go first.
“I just want water.”
“Root beer, please.” he told the server.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes with your drinks.” The server told us. I closed my eyes and heard the music playing in the background. It was very romantic.
He took my hand. “Come on, stand up.”
Why would he want me to stand up? “What?”
“Stand up.”
Curious and a little confused and embarrassed, I stood up and he put his arms around me. He looked into my eyes. “I’m finally getting the dance I missed.”
We slowly turned around in the middle of the restaurant. I didn’t want to care how many people were watching. I wanted to keep dancing. I buried my head in his chest and held him tight. His arms were securely around my waist.
I didn’t want the waitress to come back to our table. I just wanted to live in this moment. But the song ended and the radio started playing advertisements.
“The song’s over…” I barely whispered.
He kept holding me. “I know.”
He brought his lips closer to mine and closed his eyes. It was finally happening. Everything was building to this moment. Everything was supposed to be perfect. All my doubts should have melted away. I took in everything, the hard carpet on the floor, the ad for some car dealership, people whispering to each other, and me and Jeremy. This was my first official kiss. Not just for some stupid play with Chris.
Oh, Chris. How I wish it was you right now and not Jeremy. Chris, who I had spent my life with, ever since I was a little girl. Chris, who always knew how to comfort me even when he didn’t know why I was upset. Chris, who, even though he wasn’t in love with me, still cared about me more than anything…And I was still in love with him. I didn’t want to be, I hated it, but all I could think about in that moment was Chris Howard. I couldn’t let him go.
As Jeremy’s lips came closer to mine, I could smell Peppermint and Red Bull on his breath. Our lips nearly touched –
But I couldn’t do it. I pulled away. “I…I have to go.”
“Wait,” Jeremy called out. He threw up his arms. “Where are you going?”
But I kept walking away and flew out the restaurant door.
I quickly dialed the phone. “Daddy,” I said into the phone. “Please come take me home now.”
“Why, what happened?” He asked, concerned.
Did I really want to tell him he was right about Jeremy? No way. “I don’t want to talk about it. Please just take me home.”
“Okay, okay, I’m leaving now.”
I tried not to cry as I waited for my dad. Part of me wanted to go back to Jeremy just so I wouldn’t have to face my parents, for being right about Jeremy all along. But no, I was already outside and my dad was coming. It was over.
Part of me was afraid Jeremy would come outside and try to convince me to stay. Another part of me wanted him to come out and tell me I’m beautiful again. But he stayed inside. He must have seen me on the phone and assumed I called home…or even Chris, for that matter.
Then my mind reeled with what just happened. I almost let Jeremy kiss me – again. Stupid Lydia. How could I let that happen?
Chris.
I sat in the living room, watching nothing really important.
All I wanted now was for everything to return to normal. Considering who Jeremy was, she probably couldn’t stay with him long before he said something that would make her mad. Finally, she would have enough and break up with him and come back to me.
When that happened, I would take her in open arms. I wouldn’t judge her. I might even finally admit to her that I loved her. She would be back with me and that would be all that mattered.
Boy, I missed Lydia. More than anything, I wish I could just go next door like I used to and –
Knock, knock. Lydia! She’s here! I shut off TV and rushed up to open the door.